I'm not feeling it

It's been a while since I've posted something on this, isn't it? Every time I post here my life is completely different, and this time it's the same thing, things have changed massively. This post is going to be mostly about how I feel about my personal life, so let me get the work achievement out of the way.

I joined Appwrite in May and it's a contract role for now, let's see what happens in the future. It's amazing working here, the people I work with everyday are absolutely cracked at what they do and I finally truly enjoy working again.

Now about the personal stuff. There's a lot of things I wanna get off my chest. But I'm sure nobody's hearing. More about that later, but if someone else is reading this, I wanna thank you.

Efforts not being reciprocated

Over the past year I have noticed that I keep putting efforts for people, and I genuinely want the best for them, and yet nobody ever does that for me. I'm generally not a demanding person, so I won't really ask people to reciprocate, but when the same people go out of their way to avoid me or pretend like I don't exist, that shit hurts.

I cannot go into details much, but I lost a bond with someone who was very close to me this year, and I don't even know what I did wrong. I am kept in darkness. I tried everything to convince this person to atleast tell me how I can improve or how I could fix things, but nothing. I poured in everything for this friendship and it was just gone, on one random day.

Can never be the first choice

It's everytime that I keep putting in efforts and I'm never a choice for anyone. I feel it very odd. Very very odd. This keeps happening with me time and time again. I'm no stranger to this though, this was basically my entire school life and I just started to think why this happens. And honestly I have no answer.

Sometimes this makes me question if being the nice person is even the better thing to do. I've been nice to people who abandoned me without a second thought basically my entire life. Nobody wants to hear me out. When I have the purest intentions for people, I just get yeeted away.

Sometimes I just feel I should be the bad guy instead. Taking advantage of people, taking everything from them, and then leaving them when it's convenient. But at the same time I feel like that's not me. But that feels important, at the same time. I'm in a deadlock. Both options make sense. I'm still not sure if I can do anything like that to anyone though.

This is about EVERYONE

I recognized these patterns and started to relate these with other people in my life, who are not so close but I keep in touch always to remain mentally sane. It's the same thing there too. It's always me asking to hangout. I'm always ready on time. People cancel on me or are pretty late. I usually let that slide because I have worked a remote job for my entire life and I feel anyone other than me must be more busy than me. But the truth is they just don't care.

I'm working remotely, but I'm busy too. But I still manage to find time to meet people who are near and dear to me. Heck even people who aren't but I consider friends. If I can take out time from my busy schedule, anyone can. I have so much to do, I work a remote role, I also wanna grow on YouTube at the same time. Just these two things theoritically should take up the entire day and more. If I still can make sacrifices and show up, anyone can. So, it's just a matter of priorities. And apparently, I'm nobody's.

That's the bottom line

So if I'm gonna be such a low priority person for everyone I keep giving my time and efforts to, I would rather restart my life and make new friends from scratch. I'm honestly tired of being depressed over the fact that someone chose somebody else over me. I should know better because this happens everytime in my life.

I'm so done that I don't even wanna contact anyone upfront. And nobody would care, I know that. I'm gonna keep getting hurt if I do this, but it is important because I'd rather get hurt now than later. I'm feeling lonely anyway so I can take more, it's really not that big of a problem.

So yeah that's the plan. I'm eventually gonna get rid of everyone who doesn't care about me. I'm done explaining things to people and working very hard to make them happy. I'd rather be happy myself.