It's all complete mess

It feels like everything is alright, yet everything is messed up; not fucked up, but just a tiny bit messed up. People used to tell me twenties is the time where you get midlife crisis, which is funny because this isn't even mid-life as I'm still very young. Even google says it's for people from 45-60. I have never believed in midlife crisis. I've always believed people feel that everything is messed up when they

• Realise something they have never expected in their life.
• Something not happening according to their plan.
• Things are working but they have no clarity about the future.

These can happen at any time in life in any circumstances and can happen multiple time as goals and priorities change. So, the idea of midlife crisis happening to every person in around twenties doesn't make much sense to me.

I won't call my situation a midlife crisis, I'm too grateful to have a (weak) purpose still, but I still don't know how everything's gonna work out. I have a plan, but I'm very uncertain about how it would work out in reality. Let me give an example.

YouTube Chaos

Starting December 2023, I was super consistent with my channel, started posting videos very regularly. I had finally attained the consistency that I once wished for myself. However, things aren't the same anymore for last couple months. I will go a little easy on myself considering I had a marriage trip to attend and had to shift house. Not to mention the time I'm giving to my new role.

My game plan was this — work on my full-time role during morning and spend rest of my time and weekends on YouTube. Pretty straightforward, right? Well, there's a lot of problems here in this case.

I mostly am losing track of time and working lot more on my full-time role. Then I'm so mentally exhausted that I cannot even think of new ideas even when I'm fully dedicating time to my channel. Everything becomes a chore for me, it should be fun instead.

But I will need to push through it tbh. During my past role, I became too comfortable with not continuing my channel, not gonna make that same mistake here. My channel is my personal brand (yeah ik personal brand are two hated words rn, but you do you I honestly don't care). It can keep bringing more opportunities for me to the table. More opportunities to meet the best people in the coding space, more opportunities to make shit ton of money (yes I want to be decently rich). But if I don't spend time on YouTube, it all goes down into the drain.

But the problems don't end here. I have nothing other than YouTube that I consider my powerful point. I strongly advocate my channel whenever I'm talking to people about opportunities. While I don't get much time to spend towards my channel meaningfully, there's also this part that says "if not the channel, then what?". I've always been the content creation guy. I've gotten all my opportunities through content. I CANNOT imagine what would've happened to my life if COVID didn't come around and I didn't get into content creation with my ex-best friend, who motivated me even more to create content back in the day.

I keep remembering about how my life currently is a bunch of random shots at things that later turned out to be unknowingly coordinated steps to make my life a better one. It feels guilty to not go back to the roots and not work on my personal content. Content is what always helps me in my bad days. I got admission for the BCA (bachelor of computer applications) degree in a tier-3 college in India. I'm not a "tier-3 can go in faang" preacher or anything like that, but I had suffered a great deal of failures up to that point and I managed to turn my life around for the better, using content.

All these thoughts keep rolling my mind whenever I'm unable to generate cool new ideas for my channel and it scares me tbh. I don't want to get stuck in a rat race, I want my life to be fucking fun! I absolutely LOVE content creation, and I love how my full time role revolves around creating content, but I also need to advocate for MYSELF somewhere along the line and keep growing.

That's it!

I have very big aims for my life, apart from just youtube. I don't think I'll reveal them rn. I know accountability is good, but I want to make reasonable goals, I need to think about my goals, especially when I'm heavily trapped under the "shiny object syndrome".

These are all the thoughts about my content creation journey. What I truly believe is that I'll eventually get used to it. If other content creators who are working full time can STILL produce banger content on youtube and make a name for themselves, I can do it too. AND I want to do it even better! I just need to do a little less overthinking, but also not get too comfortable with my full time position, and get used to a schedule for posting banger content.

Here's to a few amazing years ahead! Not a new year day but who cares lmao

Cya smellies